Life When You're Four Feet Tall
by Dekadeci
Summary: Finally, a glimpse at what the mild mannered Toad really feels like when he's venting it out in his diary. Some Monty Moles, a ripped page or eight, Luigi's birthday party, and even a kidnapping feature in this work! Should be at least mildly funny.
1. Week 1: A jazz band and a garage door

Big Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, the Mushroom Kingdom, and/or Toad. I don't even own Toad's diary. So how did I get a hold of it? Like this:

Dekadeci: Can I please borrow your diary? I want to publish it.

Toad: Why is everyone borrowing my diary nowadays for the same reason?

Dekadeci: Same reason that everyone wants to borrow it.

Toad: Fine. First and last time I'm ever going to bend to you fanfiction writers. I'll let you borrow it. But can you please return it soon?

Dekadeci: I'll return it within a year!

Toad: You better promise that.

Dekadeci: I promise!

So now I have access to 52 weeks' worth of diary entries, a ripped-up page or eight, and maybe even an ink blot or two. Hopefully you'll get to see what an aggravated Toad really feels like when he writes in his diary...

* * *

**Toad's Diary, Week 1**

Week 1, Day 1:

Yawn. Another Monday, another attendant duty day. Today, nobody is on babysitting duty, which is rather bad, as those babies can get rowdy at times. Really rowdy.

Anyway, my attending duties today went so far as to accompany Princess Peach in the races. Now, since it's still currently the Double Dash Grand Prix (though I have heard rumours that the DS Grand Prix is coming soon), that's easy. I'll just be in Peach's kart. Seat? Doesn't matter. I'm pretty good with the mushrooms and the steering wheel, after all.

What? You want the outcome? Well, we ended up in third place. Bowser and Petey Piranha won again, partially because the underwear-wearing plant stole my Star at a crucial moment of the race. Stealing it back wasn't worth it, though. Oh well, good times at the castle and some time with friends!

I also talked to Acamis, a fellow attendant, today. His duty day is Tuesday, so he'll be busy then. I asked him about the editorial comics he's doing for the Mushroom City Daily, and he said he has no ideas for one. That's odd, as he usually has ideas. I guess nothing really has been happening lately since Mario's incident with the X-Nauts.

Well, at least the babies are safe and happy. Yoshi and Daisy unofficially took up babysitting duty today, so I'm not worried. And Baby Luigi hasn't got his head bitten off by Chompy (his Chain Chomp) yet. That's excellent.

I'd better go to bed now. It's 11:00 PM and I'm getting really sleepy. The babies don't need me right now.

Week 1, Day 2:

Mario is babysitting today. Good—those kids are very unpredictable. I like them, but I sometimes wonder whether I can control them or not. They really like their Chain Chomps.

Chainer (Baby Mario's Chain Chomp) is acting weird today. He's unusually vicious. Is he being influenced by Chompy?

This is also the day of the week I usually visit my family, so I drove to the castle and met Dad (also known as Toadsworth). He's not very happy about stewardship duty today—Edithbourne and Ellesweet have been at it again for the fifth time this week. Good thing they're not on duty today.

Anyway, I tried asking Dad about how the day was like (bad idea). This is how the conversation went:

"Hi!"

"Hello."

"How's your day today?"

"You _really_ want to know?"

"Um…" (looks sheepish)

"Bargh, don't ask."

Yeesh, Toadsworth. Do you have to be so pessimistic?

I also visited Mom and Little T. (my little brother) today. As usual, Mom's eternally eager to hear from me and Little T. wants nothing about castle life from me. He really doesn't want to be Steward Apparent in case I die. Rohan (my dead older brother) would have been Steward Apparent if only he didn't die in that kart crash…but I'd better get back to normal here.

Being Chief Attendant and Steward Apparent (and grieving for your brother's death) is harder than you think, okay?

Week 1, Day 3:

Luigi's babysitting today, and there's nothing to do. The babies are with Luigi, and, from what I heard, old Lu was nuts enough to bring them to his uncle, Cyrus Elmer Gadd (he likes calling himself E. Gadd). Here's what I heard from Luigi:

Apparently, Luigi took Babies Mario and Luigi to their great-uncle, E. Gadd. Now E. Gadd is quite the mad (as in crazy) scientist, so he took the kids through all his inventions. He also showed them Igor, his assistant, which might have been a big mistake. You see, Igor is one of Bowser's step-kids, so that might put bad images in the poor babies' skulls. Luckily, when they came home, they don't seem to be affected…yet.

I also heard from Luigi that his birthday's coming up next week. And guess where he's hosting the party? That's right…in E. Gadd's Garage. I never liked that board myself (and I'm not too good at everything other than the mini-games), so I might not participate. Mario and both babies seem to like the board, though.

Week 1, Day 4:

The babies were with Peach today, so I thought I'd pay them a visit. At least the Chain Chomps weren't in the castle. Then again, Peach never liked her son and nephew bringing Chain Chomps into any residence other than the forest.

It turned out that the babies, without their Chain Chomps, were surprisingly well behaved. They didn't cause food fights, purposely spill their milk, or hit each other. They seemed more like twelve-year-olds than the five-year-olds they are now. (I seriously should stop calling them Baby Mario and Baby Luigi and start calling them Mario Jr. and Luigi Jr., but no one else would change their nicknames.)

At any rate, the babies are now at Mario and Luigi's home, and I think they're sleeping safe and sound. I think…

Week 1, Day 5:

Daisy's babysitting today, just like she had for the weeks Peach was kidnapped (the latest kidnappings were _not_ my fault). She's pretty good, especially after all those months of practice. The babies also seem to like her.

I got invited to another race as an unpaired driver, and guess who I got as a partner? Bowser Jr.! I actually don't mind him, if only he would stop spitting fire, clawing the seats, and having a severe case of bad attitude disorder. At least I don't have to use my kart—he'll just wreck his own kart instead, as we're using it. I also have some experience with driving that big bullet, so I'll be okay.

Sheesh, you want the outcome again? Well, I finally won! Bowser Jr. and I were nearly overtaken by Luigi and King Boo (they didn't normally go well together), but we won by 1 point! Bowser Jr. was definitely gloating to his dad after that.

Week 1, Day 6:

Yahoo! I'm babysitting today! Just got to write that.

I'm currently babysitting today, and Yoshi told me that I had better race with Baby Mario for some reason in next Monday's race. So, I hopped into my car and tell the little tyke to drive around in the driveway. He only took five minutes to adjust from his Goo Goo Buggy, and then he drove decently. I think we will do well next Monday.

Poor Baby Luigi, though, also wanted to try driving a kart, so I told him to try Yoshi's (I asked the green reptile for permission first). He nearly crashed it into the fence. Luckily, the kart was unharmed, but the hedges near the fence pruned themselves. I think he's much worse than Baby Mario in terms of driving skills.

When Yoshi heard what happened to his kart, he wasn't too surprised, as Baby Luigi was always worse at driving than his cousin. However, he wanted Baby Luigi to drive it back to the garage. Baby Luigi did, but he smashed through the garage door in the process (the kart's still unharmed). Now the door's a total wreck. We had to take the money out of Mario and Luigi's plumbing revenue in order to pay for a new one.

I nearly ended up telling Mario and Luigi that the garage door was busted, but they found out for themselves when they arrived home from servicing a Paratroopa's sink. Of course, they were a little outraged. After all, it was the third garage door the babies broke in a month. Thank goodness garage doors are extra-cheap now…

Week 1, Day 7:

Yoshi was babysitting today, and he took the babies to his family business. From what I got from him, the babies sure increased his shop's popularity. Everyone was asking who the babies were, so business was booming more than usual.

After Baby Mario and Baby Luigi arrived home, Yoshi asked me to come with his amateur jazz band, the Quad-Colour Yoshis, as a guest musician. (I can't resist any opportunity to display my musical skill with the piano.) I accepted, so we drove to Lavalava Island, picked up Yoshi's friends (who were also amateur jazz musicians), and arrived at the Jazz Spot in Lavalava City.

I barely made it through my piano part (and, from what I could hear, Yelle botched the rhythms on the drums), but Yoshi's alto saxophone solos sounded excellent. Everyone gave us a standing ovation. (I later heard from Yoshi that standing ovations aren't uncommon among the better bands.)

Anyway, we arrived home, and now it's 1:00 AM and I'm really getting sleepy. Hopefully, I won't be so tired by the race on Monday and Luigi's birthday.


	2. Week 2: A birthday and a pile of letters

Disclaimer: Must...not...make...me...repeat...it... 

Note: The various Mario games will be interwoven into the diary. There might be spoiler-like stuff from the Paper Mario games in this entry, for example. And hopefully I've already blown the cover that Toad is a character in Mario Kart Double Dash from last entry. At any rate, you were warned.

* * *

**Toad's Diary, Week 2**

Week 2, Day 1:

Yes! It's the Monday race! And Baby Mario and I are actually getting along!

I had to apologize to Peach that I couldn't accompany her as her attendant in the races, since I had to race with Baby Mario. She accepted the apology, and she even praised me for babysitting Baby Mario. I didn't expect the praise.

As for how Baby Mario and I went in the race? Well, Baby Mario was crying in the first course (Sherbert Land) because it was freezing and he forgot to wear his winter clothes. Luckily, I wore more than enough, so I passed him my extra scarf for the course. Baby Mario was then totally fine for the second and third courses, but he complained that he was sweltering hot by the fourth. I told him to take off his scarf (I had long since taken off my winter clothes). And yes, thanks to my driving skills and his use of Chain Chomps, we won first place! Then again, Waluigi and Paratroopa (who got second place) sucked.

After the races, Baby Luigi had a temper tantrum because he got eighth place. Apparently, he didn't have a good time with Diddy Kong. I had to calm him on the way home.

Week 2, Day 2:

Today was Luigi's birthday. I normally would have gone to my parents' house, but today my parents went to mine. They probably anticipated Luigi's birthday, too.

In the evening, Luigi took everyone (including my parents, Little T., and I) to E. Gadd's Garage. Amazingly, he managed to convince Wario and Waluigi to come, even though they normally would have just spat and refused to go as a reply. Igor Koopa took care of the problem with inviting Bowser and his family.

I got dragged into the party board by Luigi, as it was short a few players. Apparently, none of the normal players, besides Mario, wanted to join. Baby Mario and Baby Luigi somehow managed to get onto the board.

I, admittedly, played horribly. The board's movement made me dizzy, and I was only mediocre at the mini-games. Amazingly, Baby Mario and Baby Luigi (who were playing as a team) managed to win the Mini-Game Star. In the end, Mario won by two stars.

After the party, I watched the others play tennis in Luigi's Mansion, which was above E. Gadd's basement. Toadsworth insisted on sitting at his special seat instead of sitting with my mom and I. Little T. sat somewhere else.

The tennis games we watched were a travesty. Mario, Luigi, Peach, Wario, Koomar (the Koopa Troopa who is good at every sport), and Petey Piranha tried to play tennis, but in the end the ghosts scared them off. (Sheesh, and I thought Luigi exorcised them all…) Petey Piranha ended up being the only one who actually played as if he wasn't scared. Then again, the ridiculous-looking plant always plays badly.

After tennis, I got to team up with Luigi and have a few rounds of Battle in the mansion's track. We played a few rounds of Balloon Battle, Bob-omb Battle, and Shine Thief. We won all the Balloon Battle ones (my driving and his item-chucking must be a good combo), but we weren't so lucky in the Bob-omb Battles. We kept on getting the Shine stolen from by Daisy and Toadette, so we didn't win any of those.

By the time the whole deal was over and done with, it was 2:00 AM, I was exhausted and sleepy, and Toadsworth had drunk three drinks of wine just to stay awake. Poor Dad was quite drunk after the party, so I had to drive everyone home.

Week 2, Day 3:

I can't believe Luigi can still baby-sit the day after his birthday! Certainly yesterday's party didn't impede his babysitting skills, though, as Chainer and Chompy managed to not eat everything in sight.

Daisy found a Monty Mole in Luigi's backyard, so she told Luigi to take care of it. Luigi took Mario's hammer and pounded it to death. It was pretty easy, as it only had 3 HP. Unfortunately, the death of that particular guy attracted the attention of some green Monty Moles, who had 12 HP each and were a deadly shot at throwing stones. Luigi soon became too scared of their aiming skills and signalled Mario to help him out.

Mario came and hammered them all to death (taking the hammer that Luigi was holding, of course). But by the time the whole ordeal ended, the whole backyard was ravaged. That included Daisy's flower garden. Luigi and Mario had to apologize and promise to replace the lost flowers.

Darn, we're going to have to take some good money out of the plumbing revenue again! Soon enough, we're losing two arms and two legs to this sort of trouble.

Week 2, Day 4:

Yep, it's Peach's turn again. The babies behaved themselves again, too. I think she's getting as good as Daisy now. Whenever Mario baby-sits, though, it's another story…

Anyway, I picked up the mail today, and one of the envelopes says, "To Mario, from the Paper Mario Pals". I know about Mario's grand adventure (in which he was stomped flat by something that made him as thin as paper), but I have no idea who was involved other than Mario. I then searched through the rest of the mail.

Bills…bills…more bills…accident reports involving Chompy…ooh, something that says, "To Mario, from the Glitz Pit"! Darn, I have no idea where the Glitz Pit is, though I'll be happy to ask Mario.

When Mario came back from plumbing duties, we opened the envelopes. The one from the Paper Mario Pals read:

_Dear Mario,_

_We hope this reaches you. We've heard you aren't busy, so we sent you this._

_We're just fine. Goombario wants to wish you a happy half-birthday for some reason. Who celebrates half-birthdays, anyway? He must._

_Kooper wants to tell you that he's gotten a palaeontology job. So far, it's doing fine. He's unearthed six incomplete ichthyosaurs and a graptolite. I've heard his expedition crew has unearthed the reptilian ancestor, though. That's news for everyone with scales!_

_Bombette doesn't have much to say, but Bow's telling you that she's coming back from visiting Rogueport. She said that was a cesspool of criminals. I tried telling her not to use that route back, but she wouldn't listen to me. I guess she won't listen to a middle-aged Paratroopa, anyway._

_Watt's escaped from the Shy Guy Toy Box, or so I've heard. Last thing I heard from her is that she's working in the Toad Town Power Plant. I haven't heard from her since._

_Sushie wants to tell you that she now has more grandkids besides Ebi and Tai. She's now a grandmother to Tamago and Nori, too. Apparently, her son, Donburi, had kids. So far, none of her grandchildren have been eaten yet._

_Lakilester still says he's Lakilulu's girlfriend. Amazingly, they haven't broken up yet. Will some things never change?_

_And me? I'm still delivering mail. I'm proud to say that ever since I adventured with you, I've lost, forgotten, and misplaced less mail. Oh, and my nephew, Paraki, has been doing fine in the Double Dash Grand Prix. Being with Koover must have been a good decision._

_Anyway, we all wish you a happy marriage, safe kids, and a long, rescuing-your-wife-free life!_

_Sincerely,_

_Parakarry (and Goombario, and Kooper, and Bombette, Bow, Watt, Sushie, and Lakilester)_

"How'd they predict it? It _is_ my half-birthday!" Mario cried out in astonishment when I passed him the letter.

After we finished reading that letter, I opened the one from the Glitz Pit. It took us a while to interpret its almost illegible handwriting, but we managed to figure it out. It said:

_Hey Gonzales,_

_Just want to tell you I'm doing wicked awesome here. I got the Champion's Belt a record of five times! (Yes, that is on and off. It's pretty tough competing with Prince Mush and Rawk Hawk.) Right now, I'm keeping the belt._

_Some of those guys are pretty tough. I ploughed through the Minor League and much of the Major League, but I had a bit of a hard time with Hamma, Bamma, and Flare. I managed to beat them and Chomp Country, but it took me a while to figure out a strategy for the Koopinator that didn't involve my butt being hurt. I managed to get it done, though. I still remember how to beat him._

_And after that? My butt's still getting hurt. As Prince Mush's pretty dodgy, I keep on slamming my butt on the hardwood floor every time I try to do a Ground Pound on him. He keeps on not getting squashed every time I attempt an Audience Member Stampede. And he's impervious to my Mini Eggs. In short, he has a better than a 50:50 chance of beating me, so I'm getting the majority of my wins right now from Rawk Hawk._

_Oh, speaking of Rawk Hawk? I'm almost deaf from Rawk Hawk's repeated shouts of "You just got RAAAWWWKED!" And I got a concussion from one of Rawk Hawk's latest blows. That landed me eight weeks in the hospital. Guess I should have expected it, though. That guy's pretty tough on your body. I wonder how you managed not to get injured._

_I'd better end the letter. Since it's the exhibition matches now, I'm against the Iron Clefts again. And Jolene says I can't use FP for this match. Dang! Is she promoting nepotism here? At any rate, I'd better figure out an FP-free way of digesting and ramming those Clefts quick._

_I'm still all for your comeback! I'm not sure whether to join you again if you come back, though…Oh, and thanks for rescuing and raising me! I'll be sure to always support you!_

_From Jr. Yoshi (Gonzales Jr. in the stage name record)_

"Who's Gonzales?" I asked Mario.

"Well, that was the stage name I had to use while I was in the Glitz Pit," Mario replied. "I had to compete there in order to get the Gold Star."

"And why does he still think your name is Gonzales?"

"I tried to tell him my name was Mario the day I rescued him as an egg, but no, he won't stop calling me Gonzales. I guess I can't tell him to stop now, though."

Good riddance to that. Well, at least I can put down that the Mario-Luigi-Toad-Yoshi household received some very interesting mail today…

Week 2, Day 5:

Daisy's babysitting today. As usual, she's doing excellent. I can't worry about the babies today.

Unfortunately, since nothing remotely interesting happened today, I've got writer's block. I think this happens every year. I hope I can get something interesting out of babysitting duty tomorrow.

Week 2, Day 6:

Yay! It's my turn to baby-sit!

Today, I had to buy some Chain Chomp food. After all, the babies wanted me to. I took them to the grocery store and told them to pick what their Chain Chomps ate. We ended up buying ten steaks, five whole chickens, three hams, and eight sacks of dog food. Do the Chain Chomps go through their food that quickly?

After buying the Chain Chomp food, we fed Chainer and Chompy. We could only feed them one steak (not even each) before they tried to go after our remaining food. Baby Mario tried steering them away, but the two Chomps ripped up a sack of dog food and ate it. Sheesh, will Baby Mario and Baby Luigi ever realize that taking care of these guys is expensive? I guess they'll realize when it's their first day of elementary school.

Come to think of it, that's coming up in a few days. Then, since I think they trust him the most in terms of feeding, Yoshi'll take over feeding duties. I wonder how he'll do…

Week 2, Day 7:

I got invited to the races again. This time, it was an All Cup Tour, so it would be a daylong ride. I accepted, of course.

I got partnered with Birdo. I'm okay, but I'm not sure if…hold up…what is that reptile's gender? I'd better ask next time.

Sixteen crazy races later, we got second place. We lost by two points to Waluigi and Donkey Kong, so it was pretty close. At least I didn't have to hear Waluigi complain.

In the award ceremony, Birdo kept on spitting eggs at Toadsworth, who was, as usual, driving the Gold Cup Kart. I kept on telling her not to shoot eggs at Dad, but she wouldn't listen. Now we'll have to go through the car wash again, even though it was only three days after the last one!

I'm pretty much exhausted now, so I'll get to bed. Those All Cup Tours are rather draining. I hope I won't have to do another one for a week.


	3. Week 3: A swimming pool and a dance fest

Disclaimer: I refuse to repeat it!

* * *

**Toad's Diary, Week 3**

Week 3, Day 1:

Sigh…no one's babysitting. Then again, Mario and Luigi decided to take the babies to Baby Park today. I hope Baby Mario doesn't throw up on the Tilt-a-Thwomp or the Paratroopa Gliders again.

Of course, I'm doing attendant duty today. Peach decided to play tennis, so I had to play against her. I'm poor at tennis (but much better at badminton), so I lost game, set, and match. Twice. Edithbourne played her twice after I did, and he won one of the matches.

Peach also decided to visit Yoshi (instead of Yoshi visiting her), so we drove back home. Yoshi was ecstatic, if a little surprised. He managed to stammer out a too-polite greeting. Peach was flattered, but she took it in stride.

Yoshi made a huge omelette for us using his very own eggs. I felt like I had to contribute, so I took a salmon fillet out of my freezer and cooked it. Soon enough, Peach was cooking too, as she cooked Mario's favourite spaghetti. We all had a good lunch, and we refrigerated leftovers for Mario, Luigi, and the babies.

After we came back to the castle, we went to its library to read. And guess whom I bumped into while we were there. Toadsworth and Acamis! For some reason, they were both reading some very large and complex tome in there. I asked Acamis why he was with Toadsworth, and he said it was because they both needed to find something in it. Unfortunately, from what I heard from him, they were arguing for a while before we came. I'm glad I didn't hear that argument!

After a long while in the library, I had to go home. When I arrived home, Mario looked battered, dirty, and exhausted. I asked him why, and he said it was because he went to Boo's Haunted House a few too many times, got bludgeoned on the Nimbus Thunder Coaster, and got thrown up on by Baby Mario. Apparently, Baby Mario threw up on Mario when they were riding the Cheep Cheep Flume. At least that's a different ride. I just hope they don't go to Baby Park (unless they have to race at its Grand Prix Oval) again for a long while.

Week 3, Day 2:

Waluigi and Wario invited us all to their dance party at 1:00 PM. We all had to go, even though Yoshi is pretty clumsy at dancing and my legs are too short to show off my dance moves.

The Wario Bros. told us that they were going to play "Destruction Dance", "Garden Boogie", "Cabin Fever", "Starring Wario!", "Jump! Jump! Jump!", and "Pirate Dance". And they told us that they were taking out the Bob-ombs again. I hate those Bob-ombs a lot, as they always mess up my dancing, but Mario and Luigi didn't seem affected for some reason.

As usual, Mario and Luigi danced like superstars. Yoshi and I tried as best as we could, but Yoshi still kept on stepping on everyone but the Mario Bros.'s toes and I nearly tripped on the stairs. It turned out to be pretty funny, as Yoshi kept on stepping on Wario's and Waluigi's toes, thus messing up their dance moves. As for the babies (Mario was supposed to baby-sit them today), they danced even worse than Yoshi. They kept on tipping over and falling down, especially when the Bob-ombs came. Boy, was I glad when the whole thing was over!

From what I could tell from the babies, they didn't like the dance fest a whole lot. Yoshi agreed with the babies, but Mario and Luigi liked it. I wonder why…

After the dance party, I visited my family again. And guess what happened? You can guess. It's been the same reaction fifteen weeks in a row, so I won't bother writing.

Week 3, Day 3:

Luigi is babysitting today. And we're all invited to the races in Baby Park, so we all are going to the Grand Prix Oval!

Luigi went with Baby Luigi (he actually was trying to baby-sit), Mario went with Peach, and Daisy went with Baby Mario, so I got stuck with Yoshi. Well, maybe stuck isn't the right word, as I go along pretty well with him.

Of course, it was a madhouse in the oval. Shells were flying everywhere, and even my Golden Mushrooms couldn't help the situation, as we kept on getting hit. At least we got third place. Mario got fourth and Daisy got fifth, from what I heard, but Luigi actually got first. Apparently, he just sat in the back, strategically using items, while he let Baby Luigi drive. I don't know how good Baby Luigi drove, but he sure must have made Daddy proud!

Week 3, Day 4:

Peach is babysitting today, as usual. For some reason, the babies wanted to go to the palace swimming pool, or so I heard when she came to my house for the evening. Anyway, Peach and the babies went to the swimming pool, which was occupied by a few Toads, Yoshis, Koopa Troopas, and the Lakitu lifeguard. Suddenly, or at least that's what Peach described, they saw something come out of the water. They were frightened out of their wits and jumped out of the pool. It turned out to be pretty funny, as it was a Cheep Cheep pool maintainer that jumped out of the pool. He had to apologize and say that he was fixing the pool.

Then, Peach decided to come here for the evening to meet Mario and company. She said that she hadn't met them in person for a fairly long time, which isn't entirely true, as she was with us in the races yesterday. She also said that she was thinking of going on vacation again, and just when the babies would be in school. Vacations are always a sign of a bad thing…

Week 3, Day 5:

Wario's invited Mario to golf—again. Those two really seem to like their golfing rivalry. Then again, they seem to like their tennis, racing, dancing, and partying ones, too.

Daisy is babysitting, so that golfing event doesn't affect the babies. However, Daisy's decided to go racing again (and so soon after the last one!). She, at least, has some sense about selecting her racing partner, so she went with Baby Luigi. Since Mario was out (and I had decided on going with him), I decided to go with the first guy someone paired me up with. That eventually happened to be Toadette.

I had a pretty good time with Toadette, who I first met when my family visited their friends some weeks earlier. Therefore, she's more of a family friend's daughter, but I still like her anyway.

Anyway, we got second place, as Daisy and Baby Luigi consistently managed to get ahead of us during the whole Special Cup. Then again, Toadette must have had some practice, as she drove better than expected when I used the items.

After the Grand Prix, I got a surprise versus race against Donkey Kong and Birdo. Apparently, they practiced too, and they wanted to test their skills against the driving ace. (That apparently meant me. Sheesh, am I that good?) From what I heard, they won one versus race each against Daisy and Baby Luigi and against Koopa Troopa and Diddy Kong. And those two opponents forced me to do the driving throughout. Though Toadette was a bit aggravated, I had to follow the race on their terms. We eventually won, even though I had to pass all my items to Toadette.

Boy, was that a long racing day! Hopefully, I won't have to race tomorrow, especially since I'm babysitting.

Week 3, Day 6:

I'm babysitting again. Baby Mario and Baby Luigi wanted to play with their Chain Chomps and they told me to leave them all alone, for fear that I'd get injured.

That turned out to be a wise decision, as Baby Luigi came back with one big horror story. Apparently, his Chain Chomp (Chompy) went berserk when it saw a rabbit. Baby Luigi tried to keep it from eating the rabbit, but Chompy just went for the rabbit. The rabbit escaped, but Chompy crashed into a tree and felled it. Luckily, the tree barely missed Baby Luigi. Baby Mario didn't have as bad a time with Chainer, though.

Week 3, Day 7:

Yoshi was babysitting today. For some reason, he decided to give them a lesson on cooking Lavalava Archipelago dishes. He laid an egg, and then cracked it in order to make a Male Yoshi Egg Omelette. Then he got some traditional fruits such as Commarons and Uckyfruit and made a dish out of those. Apparently, the babies liked those two dishes.

Then the disaster came when he let the babies cook their own versions. Apparently, they burnt the omelette, and then they mutilated the fruits so badly that they were unrecognizable. They totally ruined those dishes. Poor Yoshi was forced to eat the badly done dishes. I think Yoshi learned a good lesson today, though. Never let the babies cook anything!

Sigh…it's going to be the babies' first day of school next week. I'm going to see them a lot less often…


	4. Week 4: A meat shield and a vacation

Disclaimer: Repeat, repeat, repeat...why bother?

* * *

**Toad's Diary, Week 4**

Week 4, Day 1:

As usual, no one's babysitting. However, Luigi decided to take that job into his own hands today. He took the babies to Minty Gardens, or so I heard from him. I haven't heard from him yet.

Today was one of everyone's last Super Smash Bros: Melee bouts, so I had to go with Peach and act as a meat shield again. We had to fight Princess Zelda, Ness, and Samus this time. I don't know how they can afford the airfare, but I sure can't afford the medical costs if it keeps up like this.

Anyway, it was a surprisingly good day as a meat shield, because I didn't get hit particularly badly. Then again, we lost most of our fights. At least I took less than 100 damage this time, which is probably a miracle! I usually take around 150 damage a fight.

I also cleaned out the mailbox today. Apparently, Yoshi wasn't doing his job last week, so the mailbox was filled past the brim. Parakarry was complaining that he couldn't fit any more mail into our box today, so he passed his mail directly to me.

Bills…bills…Yoshi's friends…more bills…accident reports involving Chompy and Chainer…Daisy's parents…Bootler (whoever he is)…someone paying Mario interest for his last plumbing job because she couldn't pay the money immediately…ooh, a letter for me! At least today's mail is more interesting than last time.

I took the letters back to Mario. It took a while, as I was still aching from my last bout in this Super Smash Bros. tournament.

We fished through the letters again in Mario's house. Surprisingly, I got two letters for me, and not just one like I noticed at the mailbox. I opened both of them.

The first one was from the Mario Kart Association. I always like racing, so I opened it first.

_To Toad, a junior member of the MKA Council,_

_You have been accepted into our latest Mario Kart tournament. It is Mario Kart DS! You will be racing alone this time. Unlike last time, we will provide the karts, so you don't have to buy any. You will also be provided with at least two karts for yourself (we haven't specified the exact number yet)._

_Our esteemed member, Lakicyrus, has found many courses everyone wants to try, including the unique Tick-Tock Clock. Do you want to race on them for a sneak peek?_

_We have also considered everyone's suggestions for courses for our Retro Category. Two of your suggestions have been accepted. They are Mushroom Bridge and Choco Mountain. We hope you like these courses, because you'll be racing on them often._

_We have many new items for everyone, including Bloopers, Bullet Bills, and more! We are proud to say that your Golden Mushrooms have been accepted again as speed boosts for this tournament. However, everyone will be able to use them, unlike last time._

_We also ranked the results from last tournament, which was the Mario Kart: Double Dash one. You won the Grand Prix division again! Yes, we know it is the third one in a row. However, Luigi won the Battle division. We have also sent out a letter to Luigi, partially for this purpose._

_Since you are a junior member of our MKA Council, you will be invited to our next decisions meeting at 5:00 PM, exactly one week from today. Please come. Bring snacks._

_We hope you have a good week._

_Sincerely,_

_The Mario Kart Association (MKA)_

After reading that letter, I opened the second envelope, which was from the Super Smash Bros. Organization. It read:

_To Toad,_

_You have been accepted as a fighting member in our latest tournament: Super Smash Bros: Revolution! We have scoured the polls in the Mushroom Kingdom, the Koopa Kingdom, Hyrule, Dinosaur Planet, Hoenn, Kanto, the USA, and Japan. Apparently, the public supports you, so you are in. Please bring any weapons you may want to use._

_Since you were meat shield to Peach last tournament, we have notified Princess Peach that she needs to think of a new combat move. You will not be Peach's meat shield in this tournament._

_We hope you are willing to fight in this tournament. If you cannot participate, please let us know._

_Bring the fight on! _

_From the Super Smash Bros. Organization_

Those were some interesting letters. At least I've been accepted into some of the new tournaments!

I heard from Daisy that school for the babies would start on Wednesday. They'll be in kindergarten, so they are in the AM class. At least that takes some of the stress off babysitting.

I also heard from Peach that she'd be taking her vacation on Friday, two days after the babies are in school. I hope Daisy won't have to baby-sit three days out of six again.

Sheesh, what a lot of stuff I heard about today…I know I have a big head, but I don't think my head's big enough to fit all this.

Week 4, Day 2:

It's golf again! And I'm caddy! That always stinks, as I golf pretty well with my attendant buddies. Then again, it's always fun to drive the golf kart and hear what swears everyone has to offer (Mario cusses surprisingly often whenever he goes golfing).

We went through the Lakitu Cup, which was pretty easy, but I still heard quite a lot of cussing and taunting. Here are some of the best lines from this round of golf:

"I hate this game!" –Yoshi

"Lay an egg, will you?" –Birdo

"Mamma—Dang! (Omitted expletive)!" –Mario

"If I get a bogey again, I'll eat my son!" –Bowser

"You're not eating me, Pops!" –Bowser Jr., immediately after the above line

"Oh, I'm-a number-a one! Who's gonna beat me now?" –Luigi

"…I did." –Koomar (the sporty Koopa Troopa), immediately after the above

"(Sings the tune of "Witch Doctor" to the syllable "Ooh")" –Diddy Kong

"You're the best…at making bogeys!" –Waluigi, to Wario

"(Series of omitted curses)" –Wario, immediately after his third bogey

I've gotten better lines from past cups.

I know Mario was supposed to baby-sit today, but the kids did unexpectedly well in his absence. They didn't trash any part of our household, unlike the time when Baby Luigi bashed down the garage door. At least Mario did a good job for the rest of the day.

I visited my family (again) today. Toadsworth's usual, Dame T. (my mom)'s usual, and Little T.'s usual. It's almost getting to be a pain. I wish my visits with them were more interesting.

Week 4, Day 3:

Luigi's babysitting, and it's the babies' first day of school! I wasn't around for that, but Baby Luigi said it was fun when he came back. Baby Mario disagreed. At least they didn't quarrel or fight.

We attendants held a small badminton tournament today. Acamis, Edithbourne, Ellesweet, Spore T., Randulo, and the Yatz twins were there, so that made for an easy-to-format tournament. We all played singles to 15, so no one would conflict (or so everyone thought).

I played against Randulo first. He wasn't too good at badminton, so I easily won. After that, I had to play against Spore T. Though he apparently practiced (he was certainly better than last time), I still won.

When I went to play my final game in the tournament, I noticed everyone (even the booted-out contestants) was crowding around one particular game. From what I could see and hear, the Yatz twins were arguing about whether the birdie was in or out. They were bickering for a couple minutes, so everyone was getting pretty anxious. Eventually, Acamis had to end the feud by making them redo the rally.

The elder Yatz twin won (both the rally and the game), so I had to play against him for my final game. That game took forever (we two are pretty evenly matched in badminton), but I managed to squeeze in a win.

After the badminton tournament, we heard that Peach was going to take Toadsworth (and him only) to her latest vacation. She was also going to somewhere in the Lavalava Archipelago. At least if they took us, she'd have better security, right?

Only one more whole day before Peach takes that vacation. I hope she doesn't get kidnapped again…

Week 4, Day 4:

Peach is squeezing in her last day of babysitting for a couple weeks (or months, depending on whether she's kidnapped in the trip or not). The babies seemed sad to hear that she's leaving so soon, but they've handled Peach's kidnappings many times before. I hope they won't have to go through one again…

Ack, it's boredom, boredom, and more boredom today, so there isn't much to write here. I'll write some more tomorrow.

Week 4, Day 5:

And Peach is taking her vacation today! All of us attendants (besides Toadsworth, who went with her) had to see her go in the Mushroom City Airport on a flight to Lavalava Island. We're all hoping that she isn't gone for too long.

After that, we all discussed the last time that we went on vacation. That time, all of us went to Isle Delfino in the famous Sunshine incident. Besides the attendants in the day before yesterday's badminton tournament, there was Fleur T., Hart T., Dane T., Feel T., Wort T., and Shore T.! Those guys are always fun to be with. That trip would have been our biggest bash ever if it weren't for Bowser Jr.'s mischief with sludge. Ah well, at least Peach learned how to wash clothes by hand during that trip.

I think the rest of the attendants (besides Acamis, Spore T., the Yatz twins, and me) are wondering what jobs they'll have while Peach is on her holiday. I'm still going to have to baby-sit the babies. Acamis also has the post of court jester and editorial comic cartoonist for the Mushroom City Daily, so he'll be busy doing that. And the Yatz twins and Spore T. will be making their way into the sports circuits. I wonder how far the Yatz twins will go in the badminton tournaments…

As for Daisy's job babysitting, she took good care of the babies after their kindergarten class. She also told Yoshi and me that she'd be splitting her babysitting duties with us in case Mario and Luigi are gone. That means two days with Daisy, two days with Yoshi, and two days with me. At least that'll be more interesting.

Week 4, Day 6:

I'm babysitting today. The babies wanted a tour of the castle (they only get to visit it about once every few weeks, though), so I took them there. I led them to a lot of rooms, but they (unsurprisingly) liked the children's playroom best. I left them there while I talked to the attendants.

As far as I heard from Hart T. (he's a fairly good friend of mine), the Yatz twins won most of their badminton games and are now in the municipal competitions. Spore T. tried tennis and got fairly far in the Short and Small division.

I also visited Acamis while the babies were in the playroom. He was working on a new editorial comic when I came. I asked where he got the idea, and he said he was doing another "Peach-on-vacation" comic. He said that he would do a "Mario-shoots-the-moon" one tomorrow. I think that one will be unique.

After that, I picked up the babies. They said it was their best trip to the palace ever. I hope all their trips there are as good as this one.

Week 4, Day 7:

Yoshi's babysitting today, and it just happened to coincide with another invasion of Monty Moles. So, Yoshi took the babies out and showed them how to handle Monty Moles. He twined his tongue, squirted water, and threw eggs at them. He expected Baby Mario and Baby Luigi to bring Mario's hammer or something like that.

Instead, the babies whistled for Chainer and Chompy, who promptly started feeding on the Monty Moles and destroying their burrows. All the Monty Moles soon disappeared, but so did Daisy's flower garden—yet again. Poor Daisy!

At least these Chain Chomps are good for something…


	5. Week 5: A castle visit and a quarrel

Disclaimer: Hey, Macarena! (Repeat)

* * *

**Toad's Diary, Week 5**

Week 5, Day 1:

No one's officially babysitting, but Mario took the matter into his own hands today. He tried teaching the babies how to cook pasta. Specifically, he only let the babies pour out the type of pasta they wanted. Baby Mario ended up opening all the boxes and Baby Luigi dumped their contents everywhere. This made a huge mess, and Mario and I had to clean it up.

Luigi came back from emptying the mailbox as we cleaned up the kitchen, and he was so shocked that he dropped the letters at the door. Those spilt everywhere, too. We all had to pick everything up in the end, and that took a long time.

After Mario poured some macaroni in what remained of his boiling water (and the babies eagerly looked in the pot), Luigi and I checked the letters.

Bills…bills…a random letter from the Koopa Kingdom…a random letter from the Beanbean Kingdom…a coupon from E. Gadd…more bills…a letter from Peach that isn't directed specifically to me…a parcel…ooh, something for me! Too bad there's only one, but at least that's better than none.

We opened the parcel (which came from Sarasaland Air Mail) first. It initially looked like a bunch of dried roses, but they immediately collapsed into dust and scattered everywhere. The whole place smelled like roses, and that scent was very strong. Baby Mario started complaining about the new smell. Is the bouquet that ancient?

I opened my letter separately. Great, it's an invitation to Feel T.'s party for his 24th birthday! I'll come to the castle next week, since that's where he'll be hosting it.

Luigi showed me the letter from Peach. It read:

_To Mario, Luigi, Daisy, Toad, Yoshi, Baby Mario, and Baby Luigi:_

_I'm safe for now. I took the flight to Lavalava Island and successfully made the connecting flights to Yoshi Island and Isle Delfino. I'm at the Key Atolls for now, but I'll be going over to Keelhaul Key and Tropical Isle in the tour I'm taking._

_So far, I don't think there's any big adventure that Mario (or Luigi) must be in. I also have a pretty low chance of being kidnapped in this tour, but you never know._

_I'll be back in three weeks if all goes well. Tell the kids this, okay?_

_Sincerely,_

_Peach_

That's good. At least Peach will have a lower chance of being kidnapped. I hope Bowser doesn't abduct her in the tour.

I remembered that I had to go to the MKA Council decisions meeting at 5:00 PM today, so I drove there and arrived on time. There were some Toads, Yoshis, Koopa Troopas, and Lakitus in the meeting. Lakicyrus was also there, to everyone's glee.

We discussed a few things, such as the scoring system, how many karts everyone would have, and how many people would fit in a kart. We decided on the scoring system from last tournament, three karts a person, and that each kart would only fit one person.

It's a long but good day today. I think I'll go to bed now…

Week 5, Day 2:

And guess what? Mario's babysitting! He's only babysitting after school, of course. What a long day before the babies come…

I decided to kill some time by visiting my family. After all, it is a weekly tradition. However, this weekly tradition tends to play out the same way every day.

And guess what? It did! Dame T.'s usual, Little T.'s grumbling, but Toadsworth's out, of course. It's just yet another day…and a boring one, at that.

As you could probably tell from that last sentence, Mario's babysitting was uneventful. Nothing went wrong and nothing went extremely right. At least that's better than a disaster…

Week 5, Day 3:

Luigi's babysitting, of course, but he can't baby-sit until the babies come back. In the meantime, we have a Living Grass infestation to deal with. At least it isn't a Monty Mole infestation, but I almost wish the Monty Moles would control the Living Grass population.

Mario went out plumbing today, so Yoshi, having the good sense that he does, took out a lawn mower and drove it over the Living Grass. The grass blades scattered everywhere. They got in my eyes and actively started jabbing at them. Ow! That hurts! No wonder they're called Living Grass.

Yoshi didn't seem affected, though. He didn't want to scoop up all the leftover blades of grass, so he just left it all there…which was a dumb decision. The grass blades assembled themselves into a stream and aimed straight at me. They hit their mark. I now have numerous nicks in my face and arms. At least they only look like paper cuts. Hopefully, no one will notice.

After they shot themselves at Yoshi, at least they got scooped up in a garbage bag. Yoshi finally learned that Living Grass shouldn't be left alone. Thank goodness he also tied up the bag and threw it away!

Now, for that Monty Mole infestation…

Week 5, Day 4:

Peach's supposed to be babysitting, but since she's gone, Daisy's taking her job. And she does it pretty well.

I went to the castle today. I saw that Way T., Par T., Mee T., and Ahr T. got to the wine barrels, and they were drinking out of them like crazy. Ahr T.'s the alcoholic, so I can't blame him if he wants wine, but Mee T., Par T., and Way T. don't drink often. What were they doing?

Edithbourne was within sight, and he didn't look too happy. Apparently, he didn't like that sight either, and he was expressing his disapproval. I did too. Who wastes that much good wine?

I met Acamis, and he was visiting his father Camys, who in turn was visiting his father Cameron. Amazing, Acamis's grandfather is still alive? Both of mine are long dead.

Camys was giving Acamis tips of how to be a good court jester (admittedly, this job isn't very needed anymore), while Cameron was working on another painting of the courtyard. I guess family time is always good…

Come to think of it, I guess my family time doesn't tend to turn out well. Maybe I should connect with them more meaningfully…

Week 5, Day 5:

Daisy is babysitting today. Not much happened before the babies came back, but they sure had interesting things to say.

I know Baby Mario said, "We had some sort of sports day today. We threw water balloons at each other…"

Baby Luigi then howled, "You pelted those at me! Hey!"

Baby Mario then replied, "You pelted me with one first."

Baby Luigi then remarked, "Did not!"

Baby Mario then countered, "Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

And it all collapsed into a fight. Daisy had to control their quarrel by the end of it. At least it stopped, thank goodness.

I was thinking of giving Baby Mario and Baby Luigi little trinkets as random treats, but I guess I'll have to save that for later…

Week 5, Day 6:

I'm babysitting today. At least it's a school day, which means less mayhem for me. Then again, I do enjoy those kids.

The kids came back, so I gave them some books and let them read them. They read them, but they soon got bored and asked for more. I let them read more books, but they still got bored. Then they started reaching for the more advanced books. I sighed, but I let them grab them and read them. They must like that sort of stuff…

I cooked dinner today. It's salmon from the freezer with some spices. I also cooked some vegetables. Apparently, Baby Mario and Baby Luigi liked the food. At least they're not picky.

The babies were surprisingly well behaved today, that I've got to admit. Still, it's pretty late. Time to go to bed…

Week 5, Day 7:

Yoshi's babysitting today, and it's the weekend. Feel T.'s birthday party's coming up, and I'd better remember it.

Of course, the babies paid some attention to their Chain Chomps, and I saw them again today. They were riding them into the forest. I wonder what they'll do there…

Apparently, Yoshi was supervising them. He said that the Chain Chomps decided to eat some foxes for lunch. They made chase, hunting them down and giving the babies a wild ride in the process. They sure looked battered after that hunt.

I also saw Baby Mario and Baby Luigi lugging their Chain Chomps home, or at least as close to home as anyone would let them. I don't know why…but I'm not sure whether I want to bother to ask. Must be a tough day for the Chain Chomps and the babies. Poor Yoshi, though! If their day was that tough, he probably didn't like it at all…

Well, at least the babies don't meet their Chain Chomps _that_ often.


End file.
